Pussy Riot Fantasia (apologies to Yuz Aleshkovsky)

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2014 Russian State TV news  – It appears that new charges are being brought against Pussy Riot members. Natasha Tolokonnikova was revealed to have led an action between AD 1635 and 1897 involving the rape of a giraffe who fled Moscow Zoo and was later found to be wondering dazed and confused near the Lubyanka. Rescued by the Animal Cruelty Investigation Squad of the FSB he is said to be receiving help from a team of animal psychologists. During the mass orgy, militant feminists are reported to have been arrested while caught dancing with a blow up doll of St Vitus which was found with two chickens stuffed up its crutch. This unnatural scene was alleged to have taken place at the Tretyakov Gallery (churches and cathedrals are now said to be fully secured from incursions from feminist satanists since for the past week they are being guarded by ‘Domino Pizza’ security guards with semi-automatic rifles after the official government Pussy Riot Act Alert went from amber to red). Unfortunately an official North Korean delegation was visiting the gallery at the time and speculation is rife that the incident will cause an intense rift in diplomatic relations with one of Mr Putin’s last remaining allies. Rumours are spreading that King Jung Il III  will denounce the Russian Federation as porno rogue state unless capital punishment is brought back to deal with the rise of feminist militancy in the Russian capital.

In further revelations which are going to be broadcast on Arkady Mamontov’s new investigative news show next Tuesday undercover footage will confirm speculation first aired on the Soyuz Television Channel that Pussy Riot members have engaged in a variety of unnatural acts with a variety of goats, cats and Ksenia Sobchak. Orthodox Church spokesman Vsevolod Chaplin has called for all believers to join in a holy jihad against any woman whose actions, gestures or garment are said to betray feminist sympathies and has welcomed last weeks government’s decision that any couples violating the rules of ‘Domostroy’ will be given custodial sentences. Saudi Arabian observers are said to be interested in how they may implement certain revolutionary aspects of recent Russian legislation regulating gender relationships which are to reported to be in line with Saudi readings of sharia law. US Vice President Paul Ryan has also been making positive comments about the new laws and a number of US evangelical groups are said to be offering prayers of thanks to Mr Putin and Vsevolod Chaplin for their innovative methods in the global struggle against moral depravity. Terry Jones of the Dove World Outreach Centre is said to be considering converting to Orthodoxy and is in talks with top Russian church officials. However, it remains uncertain whether Russia will cede to his demands for the carpet bombing of Tatarstan.
Russian State Television also reports that international infiltrators and wreckers are still at work in the country. Unconfirmed reports suggest that a rabid group of German moustachioed homosexuals led by ousted German premier Angela Merkel and a delegation of European parlamentarians are marching incognito towards the Volgograd memorial Rodina Mat’ intent on performing various depraved, bestial and unnatural acts in an attempt to secure publicity for the thousands of jailed Pussy Riot members in last months series of mass arrests.
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About afoniya

I am a translator, language teacher, independent film scholar who is interested in many aspects of culture. I have my own blog on Russian and Soviet cinema at http://giuvivrussianfilm.blogspot.com and I have also written for journals such as Film Philosophy and Bright Lights as well as Ribbed magazine. Outside of film my interest runs to language, politics, literature and my world is centred around the Meditteranean, Russia, Southern Ukraine as well as the UK.

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